Trauma and Neurodivergent Coach

Attachment Styles and Trauma

Here’s an exhaustive, structured summary of the different attachment styles—secure, anxious (also called preoccupied), avoidant (dismissive), and disorganized (fearful-avoidant)—organized into tables for clarity.

🧠 Overview of Attachment Styles

Attachment Style Core Belief About Self Core Belief About Others Primary Fear Core Strategy
Secure “I’m worthy of love.” “Others are dependable and caring.” Loss of connection (manageable) Open communication & seeking support
Anxious / Preoccupied “I’m not enough; I need others to feel safe.” “Others may abandon me.” Abandonment Cling, pursue, overcommunicate, please
Avoidant / Dismissive “I’m fine alone; needing others is weak.” “Others will smother or disappoint me.” Loss of autonomy Withdraw, minimize needs, intellectualize
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant “I’m unlovable and unsafe.” “Others are unpredictable or dangerous.” Both abandonment and engulfment Push–pull, confusion, self-sabotage

❤️ Secure Attachment

Domain Signs & Behaviors
Self-Perception Feels worthy of love and belonging; realistic self-esteem
Emotional Regulation Comfortably feels and expresses emotions; can self-soothe
Communication Open, honest, and direct; can discuss needs and boundaries
Conflict Approaches problems calmly; seeks win–win solutions
Dependence/Independence Comfortable with both closeness and autonomy
In Relationships Trusting, consistent, empathetic; gives and receives support
Triggers Temporary disconnection or misunderstanding (but recovers easily)
Healing Markers Feels safe being vulnerable; welcomes repair after rupture

💔 Anxious / Preoccupied Attachment

Domain Signs & Behaviors
Self-Perception Low self-worth; believes love must be earned
View of Others Overvalues others; sees them as more important or stable
Emotional Regulation Highly sensitive to rejection; emotions feel overwhelming
Communication Overexplains, overtexts, or seeks reassurance frequently
Conflict Fears abandonment; may become clingy, panicky, or defensive
Dependence/Independence Overdependent; feels unsafe when alone
In Relationships Craves closeness; idealizes partners, ignores red flags
Typical Triggers Delayed responses, emotional distance, perceived rejection
Defense Strategies People-pleasing, protest behavior (calling repeatedly, testing love)
Underlying Fear “If I’m not perfect or useful, I’ll be abandoned.”
Healing Markers Can tolerate space; seeks reassurance directly instead of indirectly

🧊 Avoidant / Dismissive Attachment

Domain Signs & Behaviors
Self-Perception Sees self as strong and independent; suppresses vulnerability
View of Others Distrusts or devalues emotional closeness
Emotional Regulation Numbs or detaches from feelings; uses logic to avoid emotion
Communication Avoids deep topics; changes subject when intimacy arises
Conflict Withdraws, stonewalls, or shuts down under pressure
Dependence/Independence Overvalues independence; feels suffocated by neediness
In Relationships Keeps emotional distance; may choose unavailable partners
Typical Triggers Demands for closeness, emotional intensity, dependence
Defense Strategies Minimization, avoidance, intellectualization, sarcasm
Underlying Fear “If I rely on someone, I’ll lose myself or be disappointed.”
Healing Markers Can stay present during vulnerability and emotional intimacy

⚡ Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

Domain Signs & Behaviors
Self-Perception Deep shame, feels unworthy of love or safety
View of Others Sees others as unpredictable—both comforting and dangerous
Emotional Regulation Swings between hyperactivation (panic) and shutdown (numbness)
Communication Sends mixed signals: “Come close—but don’t!”
Conflict May attack, then withdraw; expects rejection or betrayal
Dependence/Independence Desires closeness but fears it; alternates between extremes
In Relationships Push–pull dynamics, self-sabotage, testing love
Typical Triggers Intimacy, rejection, loss of control, reminders of past trauma
Defense Strategies Dissociation, splitting, controlling behavior, avoidance after closeness
Underlying Fear “Love equals danger; closeness means pain.”
Healing Markers Recognizes triggers, builds trust slowly, practices safe vulnerability

🧩 Comparative Summary

Feature Secure Anxious Avoidant Disorganized
Comfort with Intimacy High High (but needy) Low Mixed (desires/fears)
Trust in Others High Low (fear of abandonment) Low (fear of engulfment) Very low (fear of both)
View of Self Positive Negative Positive Negative
Typical Coping Communication & repair Protest & pursuit Withdrawal & suppression Push–pull & dissociation
Core Fear Temporary separation Abandonment Loss of autonomy Abandonment and engulfment
Typical Childhood Experience Consistent caregiving Inconsistent caregiving Emotionally distant caregiving Abusive or chaotic caregiving
Adult Relationship Pattern Stable and balanced Clingy and anxious Distant and self-contained Chaotic and fearful
Healing Focus Maintenance of balance Self-soothing, inner security Emotional connection & vulnerability Trauma resolution, trust, and integration

Here’s an expanded set of tables showing how each attachment style responds under stress or emotional triggers — including how they tend to behave during conflict, separation, intimacy, and repair attempts.

These tables are designed to be clinically accurate but practical, so they can be used both for self-reflection and for coaching/therapy work.

⚔️ Attachment Styles Under Stress or Conflict

Style Trigger Types Immediate Emotional Reaction Typical Behavior Inner Dialogue Partner’s Experience
Secure Disagreement, temporary distance Mild anxiety or sadness Talks things through calmly, seeks repair “We can handle this.” Feels safe, seen, respected
Anxious / Preoccupied Perceived rejection, lack of response, ambiguity Panic, fear, shame, anger Pursues, texts repeatedly, overexplains, apologizes excessively “They don’t care about me—I need to fix this right now.” Feels pressured, overwhelmed
Avoidant / Dismissive Emotional intensity, demands for closeness Irritation, discomfort, shutdown Withdraws, avoids conversation, intellectualizes “They’re too much. I need space.” Feels rejected, unseen
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant Intimacy or perceived abandonment Terror, confusion, emotional flooding Push–pull: first clings, then withdraws; sudden coldness “I want you close—but I’ll get hurt if I let you in.” Feels confused, destabilized

💔 Attachment Styles in Separation or Distance

Style Reaction to Distance or Breakup Typical Coping Mechanisms Risk Behaviors Healing Path
Secure Feels sadness but maintains perspective Reflects, reaches out to friends, processes feelings May overthink briefly but recovers Healthy closure, self-soothing
Anxious / Preoccupied Feels devastated and panicky Obsessive rumination, seeking contact, bargaining Stalking ex online, self-blame, rebound relationships Learning to self-soothe and tolerate absence
Avoidant / Dismissive Feels relief, detaches emotionally Distracts with work, hobbies, or casual flings Emotional numbing, repression, avoidance of grief Allowing grief and emotional awareness
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant Feels both panic and numbness Alternates between reaching out and cutting off Self-sabotage, trauma reactivation, dissociation Trauma therapy, pacing emotional exposure

🔥 Attachment Styles During Emotional Intimacy

Style Experience of Closeness Typical Response Defense Mechanism Growth Challenge
Secure Feels safe, warm, and connected Stays open and authentic Healthy boundaries Maintain openness during stress
Anxious / Preoccupied Feels euphoric but fearful Becomes dependent, idealizes partner Merging, fantasy bonding Learning to enjoy closeness without losing self
Avoidant / Dismissive Feels trapped or exposed Distances, changes subject, makes jokes Devaluation, repression Allowing vulnerability and emotional sharing
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant Feels both longing and terror Alternates between opening up and shutting down Dissociation, splitting Building tolerance for safe intimacy

🪞 Attachment Styles During Repair & Reconnection

Style When There’s Been a Rupture Approach to Repair Challenges Signs of Growth
Secure Acknowledges both perspectives Apologizes, listens, and rebuilds trust Occasional over-responsibility Quick recovery, deeper trust
Anxious / Preoccupied Over-apologizes or pleads for reassurance Seeks immediate resolution May rush or force repair Can tolerate uncertainty, waits calmly
Avoidant / Dismissive Avoids repair conversations Needs long time to reflect before re-engaging Emotional avoidance, pride Initiates repair voluntarily, expresses feelings
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant Feels overwhelmed by mixed emotions May oscillate between apology and withdrawal Shame, mistrust, fear of rejection Practices small, safe repair attempts

🧩 Summary Table: Emotional Strategies Under Stress

Style Primary Stress Response Core Defense Deepest Need Most Effective Healing Practices
Secure Regulate, communicate, connect Reality testing Mutual trust Consistent self-care and communication
Anxious / Preoccupied Hyperactivate (cling, protest) Reassurance-seeking Inner safety and self-worth Self-soothing, boundaries, delay response before acting
Avoidant / Dismissive Deactivate (withdraw, minimize) Emotional suppression Safe vulnerability Body awareness, gentle exposure to intimacy
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant Alternate between hyper- and deactivation Dissociation, splitting Safety and trust Trauma processing, slow relational pacing