📊 Autistic Levels of Relationships

29 May, 2025

Autistic Intimacy: A Neurodivergent-Affirming Guide to Relationship Building

A. Introduction

Why this guide exists: Many autistic people crave deep, authentic relationships, but the typical models for connection don't always reflect their lived experiences.

This guide offers a neurodivergent-affirming way to understand and build intimacy without forcing yourself to mimic neurotypical norms.

Who it's for:

• Autistic individuals navigating connection
• Neurodivergent communities
• Therapists, coaches, and support networks
• Partners, friends, or family members of autistic people

🧠 Can Autistic People Build Intimacy Like Eric Berne Describes?

Yes, autistic people can build intimacy in the way Berne describes—but how they do it and what it looks like may differ from neurotypical norms.

That difference is not a deficit, but a difference in style, pacing, and communication needs.

🔸 1. Differences in Relationship Formation (Autistic vs. Neurotypical)

🔸 2. Berne’s Intimacy Levels – Autistic Translation

Eric Berne's intimacy levels progress from cliché → facts → opinions → feelings → deep vulnerability.

For autistic people:

• The cliché level may be skipped or feel unnatural. Some autistic folks say: “I hate small talk. I want big talk.”
• Fact-sharing often becomes the first real connection point—especially through special interests or honesty.
• Emotions and feelings can be harder to express conventionally (alexithymia, masking, trauma), but many autistic people are highly emotionally intelligent, just in a different way.
• Vulnerability and peak intimacy is absolutely possible—especially with trust, safety, and shared values.

So the structure can be similar, but the entry points and expressions are often different.

🔸 3. Bottom Line

Autistic people can build deep, intimate relationships, but the pathway there may look different. That difference isn’t broken—it’s just not always mirrored in neurotypical social norms.

So rather than forcing autistic people to move through intimacy levels "like Berne," it’s more respectful and effective to:

• Use his model flexibly
• Acknowledge different social languages
• Prioritize mutual consent, understanding, and sensory-emotional safety

B. Safety Checklist and Pacing Plan for Building Trust and Intimacy

Wouldn't it be great if we could honor the spirit of Berne’s model but with a flexible, inclusive structure?

Do you tend to connect quickly and sometimes miss red flags?

There are two parts to this Safety Checklist and Pacing Plan:

🌱 Part 1: Safety & Red Flag Checklist

Use this after spending time with someone—or while reflecting on the relationship as it grows.

✅ Green Flags (Encouraging signs)

These are behaviors that suggest the person might be safe to grow intimacy with:

• They respect my boundaries even when I say “no” or change my mind.
• They don’t rush me; they let me move at my own pace.
• I feel calm or energized after spending time with them (not drained or anxious).
• They are consistent over time—not changing drastically depending on mood or setting.
• They show curiosity about my needs, interests, or sensory preferences.
• They repair conflicts without blame or manipulation.
• I feel like I can say, “That made me uncomfortable” and be taken seriously.

⚠️ Yellow Flags (Pause and reflect)

These aren't always deal-breakers, but they need watching or exploring with support:

• They interrupt me or talk over me often.
• They make me feel like I have to perform or be “more normal.”
• They seem charming but I haven’t seen how they handle stress or conflict yet.
• I notice myself masking or hiding key parts of myself around them.
• They joke about things that hurt me, then say I’m “too sensitive.”
• They give me advice I didn’t ask for and don’t really listen.
• I feel unsure or ungrounded after being with them, like I can’t find myself again.

🚩 Red Flags (Stop. Seek outside support or consider distancing)

These often indicate someone may not be emotionally safe:

• They ignore my boundaries and try to talk me out of them.
• They guilt-trip, shame, or manipulate me into closeness.
• I feel a mix of attraction/fear, like I’m walking on eggshells.
• They mock, belittle, or make me feel “less than” (especially in public).
• They love-bomb me with compliments, attention, or dependency too fast.
• I feel physically or emotionally drained after every encounter.
• I’ve caught them lying, triangulating, or being two-faced about others.

🌀 Part 2: Relationship Pacing Plan for Autistic Connection

💡 Key Principles:

• Replace calendar-based timelines (like "6 months per level") with experience-based readiness.
• Create pause points where you check in with your body, inner parts, or a support person.
• Respect differences in social energy and trust building.

🧭 C. Levels of Relationship (Tim Fletcher Style — Autistic Adaptation)

Each level has suggested milestones before moving deeper.

1. Acquaintance → Casual Friend

What to Look For:

• Have I interacted with them in at least 2–3 different settings?
• Do I feel safe saying “no” or setting limits?
• Have they shown respect and reciprocity, not just shared interests?

🔄 Check-in questions before moving forward:

• Am I being myself, or am I trying to impress or perform?
• Do I feel like this connection is mutual, or am I carrying the emotional load?

2. Casual Friend → Close Friend

What to Look For:

• Have I seen how they behave under stress or disappointment?
• Have we had at least one conflict or miscommunication, and did it get resolved?
• Have we shared feelings—not just facts or ideas?

🔄 Check-in questions:

• Do I feel emotionally safe enough to be messy with them?
• Can I say “I don’t agree” or “I don’t like that” and still feel accepted?

3. Close Friend → Deep Intimacy (Soulmate or Trusted Ally)

What to Look For:

• Have they seen me dysregulated or vulnerable and responded with care?
• Do they encourage my autonomy, not try to control or fix me?
• Are we growing together at a pace that feels co-regulated, not chaotic?

🔄 Check-in questions:

• Am I losing myself, or am I deepening into myself in this connection?
• Have I involved any trusted outside perspectives to reality-check this bond?

🧩 Optional Add-Ons

• ✅ You could print this checklist or turn it into a printable or journaling prompt.
• 🧠 You could track body signals after hangouts (ex: tight chest, nausea, energy boost?)—as a nervous system compass.
• 💬 If parts of you are unsure (e.g. “inner child” vs adult), use IFS-style reflection: “Which of my parts wants to go fast? Are there any parts that feel afraid?”

❓ Dunbar’s Number & Circles of Friendship

Robin Dunbar, an anthropologist, proposed that humans can maintain about 150 stable social relationships, organized into concentric circles:

• 5 intimate friends (very close—your "inner circle")
• 15 good friends
• 50 friends (you’d invite to a party)
• 150 meaningful contacts
• Larger groups include acquaintances, followers, etc.

This model is based on cognitive limits and emotional closeness.

So not all people in your life are “close,” some are just acquaintances or casual friends.

D. Autistic Intimacy Levels: A Visual Guide

E. Relationship Observation Sheet

Person's Name: ______________________

🤝 Current Level (check one or more):

☑ 1. Safe Shared Presence

☑ 2. Shared Interests

☑ 3. Opinions & Values

☑ 4. Emotions & Stories

☑ 5. Deep Trust

🌍 Contexts We've Been In

🔄 Emotional Situations

🧠 Reflection Questions

• What patterns do I notice in our dynamic?
• Do I feel safer, less safe, or the same over time?
• Am I ignoring any yellow or red flags?
• Which parts of me feel drawn to them? Which parts feel unsure?
• Do I feel more or less like myself around them?

✅ Safety Check Before Going Deeper

☑ Seen them in 2+ environments

☑ Shared 2+ emotional contexts

☑ Paused to reflect after each interaction

☑ Talked to a trusted person (if needed)

☑ Feel emotionally safe to move forward

What Can Get in the Way?

• Masking: Trying to seem “normal” can block real connection and exhaust your system
• Rejection Sensitivity/Trauma: Past hurt can trigger shutdowns or idealization
• Sensory Overload: Makes socializing harder and affects trust
• Literal Thinking: You may need clear verbal boundaries to feel secure
• PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance): Feeling pressured to "perform" can lead to avoidance or shutdown

Strengths in Autistic Relationships

• Deep loyalty and emotional presence
• Honesty, sincerity, and directness
• Passionate connection through special interests
• Respect for authenticity and individuality

F. Final Thoughts

Autistic people don’t need to become neurotypical to love, connect, and build meaningful relationships. The path might be different—and that’s a good thing.

You deserve to be met in your language, your timing, and your way of feeling safe. Let this guide be a gentle companion on your path toward connection.