Consent Practice - Online Exercises

24 Jun, 2025

Here's a deep-dive guide into how to adapt and practice the Wheel of Consent exercises online, either solo or with a partner, using Betty Martin’s methodology.

This includes practical adaptations, safety considerations, communication formats, and examples for each quadrant.

🌀 Adapting the Wheel of Consent to Online Practice

🔧 General Principles

✅ What stays the same:

• The quadrants (Taking, Allowing, Accepting, Serving)
• The practice of asking, receiving, feeling, and reflecting
• Focus on sensation, nervous system awareness, and desire

🌀 What changes online:

• You may not use physical touch
• You rely more on verbal communication, imagination, gesture, and emotional connection
• You practice energetic or verbal consent (instead of bodily)

🧰 Setup for Online Practice

🛠️ Tools:

• Zoom (with camera on or off, depending on comfort)
• Optional: timer, journal, headphones, privacy
• Optional physical props: a blanket, an object to touch, a stuffed animal (for proxy touch)

📜 Agreements Before Starting:

1. Confidentiality – Nothing said or done in the session is shared outside it.
2. Right to pause/stop – Either person can pause or stop at any time, no explanation needed.
3. Clarity of roles – Decide who is practicing and who is witnessing.
4. Touch parameters – Will you use self-touch? Verbal touch? No-touch? Proxy touch (e.g., “I imagine placing my hand on your shoulder”)?

🟢 1. Accepting (You receive something that is being done for you)

🔄 Online Version:

• Partner offers a verbal gift or gesture.
• You focus on feeling your response as the one receiving, even if there’s no physical touch.

🧪 Examples:

• “May I say something loving to you for your benefit?”
• “May I mirror your body posture for your benefit?”
• “May I describe a peaceful scene for you to relax?”

You say yes or no clearly. If yes, tune in to your body as the words land. Breathe, receive, and notice.

✏️ Reflection Prompts:

• Could I let myself fully receive it?
• Did I try to perform or give back?
• Was there resistance or numbness?

🟡 2. Allowing (You allow someone to do something for them)

🔄 Online Version:

• Partner makes a request to do something for their own pleasure or learning.
• Your role is to check: Am I OK with this, even if it's not for me?

🧪 Examples:

• “May I look at your face while you look at the camera?”
• “May I speak stream-of-consciousness while you listen without responding?”
• “May I describe how I feel seeing you right now?”

You feel into your comfort. Say yes only if you are truly OK allowing this.

✏️ Reflection Prompts:

• Did I feel pressured to say yes?
• Could I stay present even if it wasn’t for me?
• Was I aware of my boundaries?

🔴 3. Taking (You do something for yourself, with their consent)

🔄 Online Version:

• You make a request to do something that nourishes you—emotionally, energetically, or visually.
• You’re the one “doing,” they are “being done to.”

🧪 Examples:

• “May I look at your hands for my own enjoyment?”
• “May I share what I admire about you for my own pleasure?”
• “May I imagine resting my head on your shoulder?”

The receiver (your partner) checks if that’s a true yes for them. If so, you do it and tune into your own body’s pleasure.

✏️ Reflection Prompts:

• Could I stay with the enjoyment without guilt?
• Was I scared to ask for what I wanted?
• Did I censor or shrink my desire?

🔵 4. Serving (You do something for the other, with full willingness)

🔄 Online Version:

• They request something for their own benefit.
• You check: Do I want to do this right now, with no expectation of return?

🧪 Examples:

• “Would you read a poem to me for my comfort?”
• “Would you hold eye contact with me for 30 seconds?”
• “Would you affirm something you see in me?”

You give the gift. Stay aware: You are the doer, but the gift is for them. There is no “payback.”

✏️ Reflection Prompts:

• Did I truly want to give?
• Did I feel resentment or pressure?
• Was it hard to separate giving from earning love?

🧘‍♀️ Solo Wheel of Consent Practice (No Partner)

You can self-reflect and experiment with all four quadrants using internal or physical cues.

🧪 Solo Taking:

• “May I touch my own hair slowly for my pleasure?”
• “May I listen to a song and fully savor it?”

🧪 Solo Accepting:

• “May I receive this warm cup of tea and feel its comfort?”

🧪 Solo Allowing:

• “I allow this sunbeam to fall on my skin even though it’s not for me.”

🧪 Solo Serving:

• “I will water my plants with care because they benefit.”

🧠 Advanced Practices

✨ Three-Minute Game (Online Version):

1. Take turns asking:

   • “What would you like me to do to you (for your benefit)?”
   • “What would you like to do to me (for your benefit)?”

2. Even if it’s only words, gazes, or movement, the point is to feel the dynamics of giving and receiving with clarity.

3. Debrief: What role did I feel most at ease in? Which felt new, challenging, pleasurable?

🌿 A Real-Life Example (Online Practice Pair)

Nuria and Ana meet weekly on Zoom. They each prepare a “consent check-in.” This week:

• Nuria asks Ana: “May I share what I love about your voice, for my benefit?” (Taking)
• Ana checks in, notices a yes, and agrees.
• Afterward, they debrief. Ana says: “It was nice to be appreciated, but I noticed a tension in my belly when you praised me.”
• Nuria reflects: “It felt amazing to let myself want something and ask for it. And I didn’t need you to reciprocate.”

🚦 Safety Tips for Online Practice

• Always pre-negotiate boundaries.
• Decide if touch (even self-touch) is on or off the table.
• Use "green/yellow/red" check-ins to monitor safety and comfort.
• Take breaks. Overwhelm is a cue, not a failure.
• Journaling between sessions helps integrate insights somatically.

🧭 Summary Table

A Brainstorm of Online Examples

🟢 ACCEPTING

(They do something for me, I receive it)

• Listening as someone reads a poem for my comfort
• Letting someone draw a portrait of me for my enjoyment
• Receiving words of affirmation or encouragement
• Allowing someone to guide me through a meditation
• Letting someone tell me why they appreciate me
• Allowing someone to organize a virtual event in my honor
• Receiving a supportive message or letter
• Being listened to with full attention as I share something important
• Having someone play music or sing for me
• Letting someone reflect back what they heard me say
• Allowing someone to hold virtual space for my feelings
• Letting someone lead a grounding exercise for my well-being
• Accepting someone offering help with a task
• Having someone offer silent presence with their camera on
• Letting someone send me curated resources that might help me
• Accepting a blessing, prayer, or good wishes spoken to me
• Letting someone explain something gently, for my benefit
• Letting someone send me a guided body scan recording
• Receiving feedback I asked for
• Letting someone offer compliments without needing to reciprocate

🟡 ALLOWING

(They do something for themselves, I allow it)

• Allowing someone to look at my face on camera for their comfort
• Letting someone share something vulnerable without expecting a response
• Permitting someone to use me as a neutral audience for a practice run
• Allowing someone to vent or monologue for their relief
• Letting someone admire my background setup
• Allowing someone to listen to the sound of my typing
• Saying yes to someone observing my body language as part of their learning
• Letting someone practice a talk while I listen passively
• Allowing someone to mirror my posture or facial expression
• Giving permission to someone to draw inspiration from how I speak
• Letting someone screenshot my Zoom window for an art project
• Allowing someone to watch me while I concentrate on something
• Letting someone ask me a question they’re curious about
• Allowing someone to send me a song they find meaningful
• Permitting someone to explore their emotions while I witness
• Allowing someone to describe what they see in me
• Letting someone reflect their experience of the conversation
• Giving consent for someone to use my image in a shared project (non-commercial)
• Letting someone read my public words aloud to themselves

🔴 TAKING

(I do something for myself, with their consent)

• Asking to look at someone’s hands on camera for my own focus
• Asking to listen quietly while they speak, just to feel connected
• Requesting to tell them something I admire in them for my own joy
• Asking to use their voice as background while I write
• Requesting to express something vulnerable to feel witnessed
• Asking to tell them a story I want to share
• Requesting to share my screen to show something I’m excited about
• Asking to say their name aloud because I enjoy how it sounds
• Asking to express my emotions in their presence
• Asking to use their Zoom square as a visual anchor
• Asking to describe my current state for my own processing
• Asking to do a check-in to help me ground
• Asking if I can take a moment of silence with them watching
• Asking to share my inner monologue while they hold space
• Requesting to name what I’m grateful for in them
• Asking to show them my creative project for my sense of pride
• Asking to journal aloud in front of them for motivation
• Asking to reflect on my growth over the past year
• Asking to record a message to them that I’ll rewatch later

🔵 SERVING

(I do something for them, with consent)

• Reading them a calming paragraph or story
• Offering to take notes while they talk
• Asking if they want support brainstorming ideas
• Sending them a voice note with grounding words
• Playing a soothing sound or music file for them
• Offering to mirror back what they just said
• Offering to lead them through a breathing practice
• Sending them resources related to their concern
• Offering to remind them of a goal they care about
• Offering to hold silent space for them while they emote
• Volunteering to co-host or facilitate a call
• Creating a template or outline they asked for
• Offering to read their draft aloud so they can hear it
• Offering to tell them what I see as their strength
• Offering to light a candle during the call for them
• Offering to draw or create something inspired by their process
• Offering to repeat back their values to help them anchor
• Offering to reframe a self-critical statement they said
• Offering to reflect what impact they’ve had on me
• Offering to speak encouraging words while they work on something