🤓 Emotional Intelligence - The 4 Quadrants in a Practical Example

06 Jun, 2025

Example:

FRIEND (triggering): "Honestly, it just sounds like you use your ADHD and autism as an excuse not to do things you don’t like. We all have to do stuff we hate sometimes. That’s just called being a mature adult."

Being spoken to in an invalidating or minimizing way can trigger deep feelings of shame, injustice, or rage, especially when you're neurodivergent and doing your best to navigate a world that often doesn't accommodate you.

Let’s walk through this situation using the 4 Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Quadrants:

1. Self-Awareness

Definition: The ability to recognize your emotions, triggers, and internal states as they arise.

In this moment, self-awareness means:

• Noticing your immediate reaction: Do you feel your heart race, your body tense, or tears well up? Is there a mental narrative like “I don’t belong” or “I’m being misunderstood again”?
• Labeling the emotion accurately: Are you feeling hurt? Angry? Ashamed? Humiliated? Powerless?
• Identifying the deeper wound: Perhaps this taps into past experiences of being misunderstood or punished for being different. Naming that gives you more power over your reaction.
• Bringing mindfulness to the situation: “I am feeling triggered. I don’t have to react immediately. This is hard, but I can stay present.”

🛠 Self-awareness practices in this moment:

• Mentally name your feeling: “This is anger mixed with shame.”
• Ask yourself: “What part of me is reacting right now? My inner child? My protector?”
• Notice your body: “My stomach is tight. My jaw is clenched. I feel like I want to run or lash out.”

2. Self-Management

Definition: The ability to regulate your emotions and impulses in healthy ways.

Once you’re aware of your emotional state, self-management is about choosing how to respond rather than react.

💡 Instead of snapping back, withdrawing entirely, or masking everything, you could:

• Take a pause. Breathe deeply. Give yourself a beat before replying.
• Use a regulating technique: Ground your body (e.g. rub your hands, wiggle your toes, breathe in for 4, out for 6).
• Name your boundary internally or externally: “That comment hit a nerve. I’m feeling too activated to continue this conversation right now. Can we come back to it later?”
• Self-soothe before responding: Imagine giving your inner child a hug. Tell yourself, “I am not broken. I deserve respect.”
• Choose how much to engage. You can say, “That’s not something I want to get into right now,” or “I want to explain something, but I need to feel safer first.”

🛠 Self-management options:

• Delay your response: “I’m feeling a lot right now. I need some time.”
• Use “I” statements later: “When you said that, I felt dismissed and misunderstood.”
• Journal or voice-note the anger rather than unload it on them.

3. Social Awareness (a.k.a. Empathy & Attunement)

Definition: The ability to understand the emotions and perspectives of others—even when you’re hurt.

This one is tricky when you’re feeling invalidated, but social awareness can help you understand why the other person might be behaving that way, without excusing it.

In this case:

• Perhaps your friend doesn’t understand the invisible labor you perform daily to self-regulate, advocate, and survive.
• Maybe they’re overwhelmed, scared of their own vulnerabilities, and projecting a need to “toughen up” onto you.
• Maybe they were never taught about neurodivergence and believe effort is the only valid currency for respect.

💡 Understanding this can help you depersonalize their response—not take it as truth, but see it as a reflection of their limits.

🛠 Social awareness tools:

• Internally say: “They might not understand neurodivergence. That doesn’t mean I’m wrong.”
• Get curious (if you have the capacity): “I’m wondering where that belief comes from for you?”
• Notice the emotional tone in their voice. Is there defensiveness? Fear? Discomfort?

⚠️ Important: Social awareness does not mean excusing harm—it just gives you more room to respond rather than collapse or escalate.

4. Relationship Management

Definition: Using awareness of your own emotions and those of others to manage interactions skillfully and with integrity.

This is where you bring it all together: your self-awareness, self-regulation, and understanding of the other person, to decide how to repair, protect, or evolve the relationship.

Here are some options, depending on what you want from this relationship:

A. Assertive repair (if the relationship matters to you):

• “I care about you and I think we misunderstood each other. That comment hurt me deeply.”
• “I’m autistic and ADHD—those aren’t excuses. They’re frameworks I use to function in a world that often feels unsafe and overwhelming. Dismissing that feels really painful.”
• “I’d love to share more about how I experience the world, if you’re open.”

B. Gentle boundary-setting:

• “I’ve realized I need to be around people who validate my experience. When you said that, it made me question myself in a way that’s not healthy for me.”
• “It’s okay if you don’t fully get it, but I need you to trust that I’m doing my best—and that my best might look different than yours.”

C. Protective disengagement (if they’re not safe):

• “I don’t feel safe having this conversation with you right now.”
• “This friendship might not be what I need at this point in my life.”

🛠 Relationship management strategies:

• Use boundaries, not blame.
• Choose clarity over control: focus on what you feel and need, not on changing them.
• Walk away with grace if needed: protecting your peace is maturity.

🧩 In Summary – Your EQ Blueprint in This Triggering Moment:

🗣️ Roleplay a Conversation

Let's roleplay how a conversation might go in this scenario, depending on how you'd like to respond (repair vs boundary vs disengage).

I’ll narrate both roles clearly so you can see not just what’s said, but what emotional intelligence skill is being used in the moment.

Let’s imagine three different versions of the scenario, depending on what the triggered person chooses to do:

🔹 Scenario: The trigger

You're talking to a friend about how hard it's been to keep up with tasks lately, and your friend says:

FRIEND (triggering): "Honestly, it just sounds like you use your ADHD and autism as an excuse not to do things you don’t like. We all have to do stuff we hate sometimes. That’s just called being a mature adult."

🌀 VERSION 1: You choose to repair the relationship (with assertive honesty)

• → Skill focus: Self-awareness, Self-management, Empathy, Relationship Repair

NURIA (pausing, noticing rising shame and anger): (Inner voice) “Wow, that really stung. My face is hot. I want to lash out, but I’m going to take a breath first.” (Aloud, calmly) "I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. That comment landed pretty hard."

FRIEND (defensive): "I’m just saying life is hard for everyone, not just you."

NURIA (staying regulated): "I get that. And I’m not saying I’m the only one who struggles. But what you said made me feel really dismissed. ADHD and autism aren't excuses—I’ve spent years learning how to function despite them. And some days, it still takes everything I have just to keep going."

FRIEND (quiet): "I didn’t mean to hurt you."

NURIA (softening): "I know. But when you say things like that, it makes me feel like I have to prove my struggle just to be believed. It’s exhausting. I’m open to talking about this if you are—but I need us to talk with mutual respect."

FRIEND: "Okay. I didn’t understand it like that. I’m sorry. Maybe you can help me get it better."

✅ EQ Notes:

• Nuria used self-awareness to name her reaction.
• Self-management to pause and avoid lashing out.
• Social awareness to recognize her friend’s defensiveness.
• Relationship management to speak clearly, but also leave space for reconnection.

🧱 VERSION 2: You choose to set a boundary and disengage

• → Skill focus: Self-awareness, Self-protection, Minimal engagement, Boundary-setting

FRIEND (triggering again): "Honestly, Nuria, you just use ADHD and autism as an excuse. Everyone has to do stuff they hate. That’s just being an adult."

NURIA (internally): (“This is crossing a line. I don’t feel safe explaining myself right now. My heart is pounding. I need to protect my peace.”)

NURIA (firm, calm): "I’m going to stop you right there. That comment felt deeply disrespectful to me."

FRIEND (shrugging): "I’m just being real."

NURIA (clearly): "I get that’s your view. But when you talk to me that way, it undermines my experience and makes me feel small. I’m not okay with that. I don’t want to continue this conversation right now."

FRIEND (irritated): "Fine. Whatever."

NURIA (ending it calmly): "Take care. I need some space."

(later, in journal: “That was hard. But I’m proud I stood up for myself without getting pulled into an argument.”)

✅ EQ Notes:

• Nuria used self-awareness to notice activation and decide not to engage.
• Self-management to hold boundaries without exploding.
• Social awareness let her realize this friend might not be safe or able to hear her right now.
• Relationship management led her to disengage instead of trying to fix it.

🧊 VERSION 3: You freeze in the moment, then follow up later (by voice note or message)

This third version models what many of us experience in real life: a freeze or fawn response in the moment—followed by post-processing where you reconnect with your truth and speak it later, often with more clarity and strength.

• → Skill focus: Self-awareness, Self-compassion, Reflective processing, Delayed boundary-setting, Repair or Reclaim

🔹 IN THE MOMENT (Freeze Response)

FRIEND (triggering): "Honestly, Nuria, you just use ADHD and autism as an excuse. Everyone has to do things they don’t like. That’s just adulting."

NURIA (internally): (“Wait—what? Did they really say that? My brain is foggy. My chest is tight. Say something! No—don’t. You’ll just make it worse. Smile. Numb it.”)

NURIA (faking calm, quietly): “Yeah… I guess…” (subtle nod, nervous laugh) "Anyway…" (changes subject)

Later that night…

NURIA (alone, spiraling): (“Why didn’t I say anything? Why do I always freeze like that? Ugh, I hate this.”)

(Pauses, notices inner critic. Breathes. Switches to compassion.)

NURIA (journal entry or inner voice): “I froze because I didn’t feel safe. My body was protecting me. That’s not weakness—it’s wisdom. But now I get to choose what to do next. I still have a voice.”

🔹 FOLLOW-UP: Voice Note or Message

(Imagine this is sent the next morning)

NURIA (calm voice, steady tone):

"Hey, I’ve been thinking about our conversation yesterday. When you said I was using ADHD and autism as an excuse and that I should just ‘be an adult’—I froze. In the moment, I didn’t know how to respond.

But I want to be honest now. That comment was really painful for me. It made me feel like my lived experience was being dismissed, and it brought up a lot of shame I’ve worked hard to heal.

I don’t mind hearing different perspectives, but I need to feel respected and understood in close relationships. I’d appreciate it if we could talk about these things with more care going forward.

I’m not saying this to attack you—I’m saying it because I want to be real with you."

✅ EQ Notes:

• Self-awareness showed up after the event: Nuria noticed her freeze and honored it instead of shaming herself.
• Self-management meant calming her body and choosing to respond later.
• Social awareness: She considered how to approach her friend in a way that allowed a possible repair, without silencing her truth.
• Relationship management: She used asynchronous communication to reclaim her voice while maintaining emotional boundaries.