👯 How to relate to Autistic People?

02 Jun, 2025

That’s a wonderful and important question, and the fact that you’re asking it already shows deep care and willingness to understand and respect neurodivergent experiences.

🧠 1. UNDERSTANDING THE BASICS: Relating to Autistic People Across Levels

Regardless of the level of support a person needs, key principles remain the same—but their application may vary.

✅ Universal Principles

Whether the person is verbal or non-verbal, a child or adult, Level 1 or Level 3:

• Assume competence: Always presume the person understands more than they can express.
• Respect autonomy: Let them lead when possible—on their terms, not yours.
• Go slow: Give extra processing time and don’t overload with rapid questions or stimuli.
• Minimize demands: Be flexible and curious, not pushy or corrective.
• Support regulation first: If someone is dysregulated, connection and learning aren’t possible yet.
• Value non-verbal communication: Pay attention to behavior, posture, eye contact, tone, stimming—it’s all meaningful communication.

👶🧍‍♀️ 2. CHILDREN VS. ADULTS

With Autistic Children:

• Follow their lead in play and interests.
• Respect their sensory boundaries.
• Use visual aids, routines, and simplified language.
• Understand that meltdowns are not misbehavior.
• Avoid ABA-style “compliance training”—it can cause trauma. Focus on connection, not correction.

With Autistic Adults:

• Drop the "teaching" tone—relate as equals.
• Respect communication differences (some prefer texting or writing).
• Don’t expect eye contact, small talk, or quick responses.
• Don’t assume their competence based on how well they mask.
• Many adult autistics have trauma from masking or being misunderstood—be gentle and honest.

💬 3. COMMUNICATION: Practical Tips

📚 4. HIGH-QUALITY RESOURCES TO LEARN FROM

Here’s a curated list of books, videos, and websites that center autistic voices and reflect current understanding of autism (not outdated behavioral models):

📘 BOOKS (For Adults and Practitioners)

• "NeuroTribes" by Steve Silberman A deep historical look at the autistic community and the evolution of understanding autism.

• "Uniquely Human" by Dr. Barry Prizant Offers a compassionate and strengths-based view of autism.

• "The Reason I Jump" by Naoki Higashida Written by a non-verbal autistic boy, explains his inner world.

• "Loud Hands: Autistic People, Speaking" (Edited by Julia Bascom) A collection of essays by autistic self-advocates—raw, real, and essential.

• "Divergent Mind" by Jenara Nerenberg Especially useful if you're trying to understand autism in women and AFAB people.

📹 VIDEOS & TALKS

• YouTube: Yo Samdy Sam – Autistic woman sharing insights on masking, burnout, communication.
• YouTube: Autism From the Inside (Paul Micallef) – Clear, insightful videos by an autistic adult.
• TED Talk: Rosie King – “How autism freed me to be myself”
• Short film: "Loop" (Pixar/Disney) – 8-minute animation about a non-verbal autistic girl.

🌐 WEBSITES & BLOGS

• Autistica – Research + autistic-led perspectives.
• NeuroClastic – Essays and resources by autistic people.
• Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism – A mix of scientific, practical, and lived experience.
• The Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) – Policy, advocacy, rights-based info.
• AANE.org – Focused on autistic adults, with workshops and training resources.

👂 FOR RELATING BETTER PERSONALLY

• Practice listening more than speaking.
• Drop expectations of "normal" interaction—meet them where they are.
• Co-regulate instead of manage—regulation is a shared, nervous-system-based process.
• Be open to being educated—ask what they need, and respect the answer.
• Remember that intention isn’t enough—what matters is impact. Even loving people can unknowingly do harm if they push conformity.

Would you like me to recommend a specific learning path (e.g., beginner → advanced) based on how you want to use this knowledge (e.g., as a coach, family member, or teacher)?