IFS - Shame part (Example)
Let's imagine a conversation between the Self and a "Shame Part" within the IFS framework.
The goal isn't to eliminate shame, but to understand its protective role and find a more compassionate way forward.
Here's a possible dialogue, keeping in mind that this is a simplified example and real IFS work is often deeper and more nuanced:
Setting the Scene:
Imagine a calm, safe inner space.
The Self is present, embodying curiosity, compassion, clarity, courage, creativity, confidence, connectedness, and calmness.
The Shame Part is also present, perhaps feeling small, hidden, or intensely uncomfortable.
The Conversation:
Self: "Hello, Shame. I'm here. I see you. I'm not here to judge you or make you go away. I'm genuinely curious about you, and I want to understand. Is it okay if I sit with you for a moment?"
Shame Part: (May remain silent, or offer a fleeting image of discomfort, or a feeling of wanting to hide. It might project a sense of being "bad" or "unworthy.")
Self: (Patiently) "I notice you might be feeling hesitant, or perhaps you're used to being pushed away. I want you to know I'm not going to do that. I'm just here to listen. What is it that you're trying to protect me from?"
Shame Part: (Perhaps a quiet, almost inaudible whisper, or a strong feeling of dread) "If others see how flawed you are... how truly imperfect... they will reject you. You'll be alone. You'll be hurt. I keep you hidden, I keep you small, so you won't experience that pain again." (The Shame Part might be recalling past experiences of judgment, humiliation, or abandonment.)
Self: (With genuine empathy) "Ah, I understand. You're carrying a heavy burden. You're trying to protect me from rejection and pain. You believe that by making me feel ashamed, you're keeping me safe from something even worse. Is that right?"
Shame Part: (Perhaps a nod, or a slight softening) "Yes. I've seen what happens. It's better to be invisible than to be hurt."
Self: "I appreciate your intention, Shame. You've worked so hard for so long to keep me safe. I can see how much energy that must take. But I wonder, is this strategy still working for us in the way that you intend? Do you see how sometimes, by keeping me hidden, you might also be preventing me from connecting with people who would accept me, or from pursuing things that would bring me joy?"
Shame Part: (Might show signs of internal conflict, perhaps a fleeting image of missed opportunities, or a feeling of exhaustion) "But the risk... the pain..."
Self: "I hear you. The fear of pain is very real. And I want to acknowledge that fear. But what if there's another way? What if we could find a way to navigate the world where we could be more authentically ourselves, with all our imperfections, and still feel safe and connected?"
Shame Part: "How? How can that be? It's too dangerous."
Self: "That's where we can work together. I, as Self, can offer you something different. I can offer compassion for our imperfections. I can offer the courage to show up in the world, even if it feels vulnerable. I can offer discernment to choose who we share ourselves with. And I can offer a deep knowing that our worth isn't dependent on being perfect.
"What if, instead of making me feel small and hidden, you could alert me when there's a genuine risk, but then trust me, as Self, to handle it from a place of strength and wisdom, rather than fear?"
Shame Part: (Hesitantly) "So... you wouldn't just ignore the danger? You would still listen to me?"
Self: "Absolutely. Your voice is important. You're like an internal alarm system, and I don't want to shut you off. But I want to recalibrate that alarm. Instead of a constant, overwhelming feeling of shame that paralyzes us, what if you could just offer a gentle signal: 'Hey, be mindful here. There's a potential for judgment.' And then, I, as Self, can step in and decide how to respond – with confidence, with self-compassion, or by setting healthy boundaries."
Shame Part: (A moment of quiet reflection, perhaps a sense of relief at the thought of less responsibility) "That sounds... less heavy. But I'm scared. I've always had to be so strong to keep you safe."
Self: "I know. And I honor that strength. It's okay to be scared. We can take this slowly. What if, for now, you could just try to relax a little bit? You don't have to carry the full weight of protecting me from every possible judgment. I'm here now, and I can take on some of that responsibility.
"What would it feel like for you to just... soften? To let go of just a tiny bit of that intensity?"
Shame Part: (A visible release, perhaps a feeling of lightness or even a tear) "It's... tiring. So tiring."
Self: "I see that. And I'm so sorry you've had to carry that for so long. Now, let's talk about what we can agree on. Could you agree to try a different approach? Could you agree to still alert me, but to trust that I, as Self, can handle the situation with more compassion and wisdom than you've had to operate with alone?"
Shame Part: (A quiet, perhaps still slightly doubtful, but willing tone) "I... I can try. It's new. I'm not sure what it will be like."
Self: "And that's perfectly okay. We'll learn together. Thank you, Shame, for being willing to explore this. Thank you for your service, even if it felt painful at times. We'll continue to check in. You're not alone in this anymore. We're a team."
Key IFS Principles Illustrated:
- Befriending the Part: The Self approaches the Shame Part with genuine curiosity and compassion, not judgment or a desire to eliminate it.
- Understanding the Part's Positive Intent: The Self recognizes that the Shame Part is trying to protect the system, even if its methods are unhelpful.
- Acknowledging the Burden: The Self validates the heavy load the Shame Part has been carrying.
- Offering a New Role: The Self proposes a different, less burdensome role for the Shame Part, where it can still contribute but doesn't have to carry all the responsibility.
- Self-Leadership: The Self demonstrates its inherent qualities of calmness, courage, and compassion, guiding the conversation.
- Building Trust: The ongoing dialogue helps build trust between the Self and the Part.
- No Forced Agreement: The agreement is reached through understanding and willingness, not coercion. It's a negotiation.
This is just one example, and the dialogue would evolve based on the specific history and feelings of the individual's Shame Part.
The core is always to approach the part with genuine care and to understand its protective efforts.