🎙️My Podcast Interview is now available to watch!
You can find the interview in the following link:
🔗 TinyURL.com/NMFpodcast
Or by Googling my name Nuria Melchor Fernandez and the name of my company Tim Fletcher.
Here is a thorough summary of the most important and practical points from the podcast, structured for clarity and easy understanding:
"Neurodivergence and Healing from Toxic Relationships"
This podcast episode features Nuria, an individual with autism and ADHD, who shares her transformative healing journey from complex trauma. She discusses how her neurodivergence has influenced her experiences and growth, offering insights and practical tools for navigating similar challenges.
1. The Impact of Labels and Self-Discovery
1.1. Validation and Understanding * Labels, such as autism or ADHD, can be deeply validating, explaining lifelong struggles and differences. For Nuria, discovering these labels helped her realize she wasn't a "faulty normal human being" but rather that her struggles were rooted in her neurodivergent brain. * Understanding one's neurodivergence can provide a sense of acceptance and a framework for understanding past frustrations, anger, and self-blame.
1.2. Finding Community * Once a label is identified, it becomes easier to find others who share similar experiences, which can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness.
1.3. Neurodivergence: Autism, ADHD, and Giftedness * Nuria identifies as autistic and having ADHD. She also previously identified as "gifted," which she initially saw as a "better paradigm" than feeling faulty or unlovable. * Giftedness often involves strong logic, pattern recognition, and synthesizing information.
2. Navigating Sensory Experiences
2.1. Overwhelming Sensations * Nuria is highly sensitive to certain sensory inputs that can be overwhelming. * Examples include: * Wet or oily hands. * Loud noise and bright lights, especially in environments like a private school classroom or an emergency room. After such experiences, she needs to retreat to a dark, quiet place for a few hours or even a full day to decompress. * She also experiences hypersensitivity to cold or heat, which may be related to Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS).
2.2. Calming Sensations * Despite being easily overwhelmed, Nuria also seeks sensory stimulation that she finds pleasurable or comforting. * Examples include: * Smells like a beloved dog's mouth, a loved one's leather jacket, or perfume. * Eating very fast.
3. Vulnerability and Internal Struggles
3.1. Disconnect from the Body * Nuria describes a significant disconnect from her body, often feeling "very much in her head". She finds her "inner world" more interesting than the outside. * Traditional grounding exercises or body scans often felt "wrong" or awkward to her, possibly due to unaddressed stored trauma or a feeling of clumsiness. * She feels safer in her head, where thoughts and ideas reside, finding it an easier space to navigate than her bodily sensations.
3.2. The Inner Critic and Self-Judgment * Nuria struggles with an internal critical voice that tells her she's "stupid" or "looks dumb". This voice is persistent, even after years of healing work. * She often judges herself and compares herself to others, particularly regarding physical movement and expressing herself.
3.3. Challenges in Self-Expression * Nuria finds it difficult to talk about herself and put her thoughts in order, feeling embarrassed when her ideas "fall to the floor". This fear is heightened in recorded formats.
4. Healing from Toxic Relationships
4.1. The Challenge of Naivety * Nuria admits to naivety and a tendency to "believe in the goodness of people," even when their actions contradict their words. She would create fantasies about people's potential, similar to "Beauty and the Beast" narratives. * This made her susceptible to manipulation and unhealthy relationships.
4.2. Recognizing Unhealthy Patterns (Self-Gaslighting) * She has a tendency to self-gaslight, rationalizing others' problematic behavior by making excuses for them (e.g., "his parents were abusive"). * In a recent relationship, she recognized that her partner was honest about not wanting a commitment, but she lied to herself, believing he was "traumatized" and would eventually want a relationship with her.
4.3. Trusting Actions Over Words * A critical insight is the need to trust people's actions and behaviors over their words or the ideal version one creates in their mind. * Red flags (like a partner never asking personal questions or being self-absorbed) are important to acknowledge.
4.4. The Importance of Realistic Expectations in Relationships * Nuria learned that societal narratives and movies often portray unrealistic romantic relationships, which don't reflect the complex reality of human connections. * People tend to hide their struggles in relationships due to shame or fear of judgment, making it harder for others to learn how real relationships work. * It's crucial to recognize healthy people and healthy relationships to avoid being drawn into dynamics that cause "real damage," such as gaslighting, which can take years to recover from.
5. Key Elements of the Healing Journey
5.1. The Indispensable Support Network (Tribe) * Healing from "relationship wounds" requires relationships with others; it cannot be done alone. * Nuria emphasizes the need for a "tribe of good people" for support, co-regulation, and attunement. * A diverse support network is crucial because one person cannot meet all needs. Different individuals can provide different forms of support, like listening, physical affection, or going for walks. * Her experience in the Lift program was transformative because of the safe environment and genuine peer support. Even when she was "messy" and "disregulated," her peers accepted and supported her.
5.2. The Role of Psychoeducation * Learning about complex trauma (e.g., Pete Walker's work on abandonment depression) was an early and pivotal step in Nuria's journey. * Psychoeducation about neurodivergence (e.g., ADHD, autism, giftedness) is equally important, helping individuals understand their traits and find strategies. * Understanding concepts like boundaries and different levels of social connections (acquaintance, close friend, soulmate) was a significant breakthrough for Nuria, as these were not modeled in her childhood.
5.3. Engagement with 12-Step Programs * Nuria found her way to the Lift program after years of being "in and out of 12-step programs". * She initially struggled with the concept of a "higher power" due to spiritual abuse in childhood, but a loving and consistent sponsor helped her on her "Christian journey" and encouraged her to seek further help. * She found 12-step meetings could be "minefields" due to inconsistent leadership and lack of safety, highlighting the importance of safe, consistent environments for healing. * Many 12-step programs may not be trauma-informed, which can be a limitation for individuals dealing with complex trauma.
5.4. Cultivating Self-Compassion and Acceptance * A major shift in Nuria's journey is learning to "meet myself where I am" with kindness and compassion. * She strives to stretch and grow gradually, recognizing that she doesn't "have to do it" but rather "if you want to do it, that's great". This contrasts with past self-torture driven by crazy expectations.
5.5. Developing Boundaries and Advocating for Needs * Nuria learned that boundaries are not just about stating a need, but also about taking action if that need is not respected. * She had to learn to verbalize her needs with safe people to overcome the fear that speaking up would lead to rejection or attack, a pattern from her past. * A significant need for Nuria is autonomy, rebelling against anyone who tries to control her or tell her "what is right or wrong" on her journey.
5.6. Connecting with the Body and Emotions
5.6.1. Difficulty with Emotional Recognition (Alexithymia) * Nuria struggles with alexithymia, which is common in autism, meaning she has a hard time identifying and naming her feelings. * This can lead to emotions building up until they "burst," without understanding the underlying cause. * She initially could only recognize basic emotions like "sad, glad, or mad," and even those were difficult. Learning that frustration is a form of anger was a significant insight. * She sometimes assesses her feelings by her impulses (e.g., wanting to smash a table means anger, wanting to hide means shame) rather than direct bodily sensation.
5.6.2. Making Amends to Oneself * A profound realization was that she owed the most amends to herself for not setting boundaries, not standing up for herself, and not advocating for her needs. * Making amends to herself involves changing how she treats herself, recognizing past failures, and consciously working towards different, healthier behaviors.
5.7. The Interplay of Neurodivergence and Trauma
5.7.1. Distinguishing Symptoms * It is challenging to distinguish how much of a symptom (e.g., social interaction difficulties, special interests) stems from trauma and how much from neurodivergence. * For example, social difficulties could be due to social phobia from trauma or an autistic trait. Special interests could be a coping mechanism for trauma or a core autistic trait.
5.7.2. Different Information Processing * Autistic individuals may process information differently, often using a "slow route" of inductive reasoning (seeing many examples to form a theory). * Neurotypical individuals may use "fast thinking" or deductive reasoning based on instinct. * This difference can lead to autistic individuals overthinking social interactions that neurotypicals handle instinctively.
5.7.3. The Double Empathy Problem * This concept suggests that communication difficulties are not solely a deficit in autistic individuals but arise from a mismatch in understanding between autistic and neurotypical individuals. * It's like two people speaking different languages; neither is wrong, but they struggle to understand each other.
6. Strategies for Living with Neurodivergence
6.1. Working With Neurodivergence * Instead of fighting neurodivergent traits, Nuria emphasizes working with them. * This involves finding strategies that accommodate differences, such as chunking tasks (doing something for 5 minutes instead of trying to solve everything in a day).
6.2. Finding Suitable Environments and Work * Psychoeducation helps in identifying environments and jobs that are generally better suited for neurodivergent individuals. * For example, autistic people might find it difficult in roles requiring extensive "people-facing" interaction (e.g., retail, sales) due to the exhaustion of masking. * Online work, translation, or writing may be more suitable as they allow for more independent work.
6.3. Understanding and Managing Masking * Masking is the act of pretending to be like the person in front of you, adapting to social norms to avoid judgment. * This often happens because neurodivergent individuals have been shamed for being themselves. * Masking can involve suppressing natural self-calming behaviors (like echolalia or rocking) or making conscious efforts to maintain eye contact even when it hinders concentration. * Masking is extremely tiring and can lead to burnout and "crushing" upon returning home. * Nuria experienced bullying in high school which reinforced the need to mask, causing her to "dumb myself down" to fit in.
7. Empowerment and Growth
7.1. Embracing Autonomy and Independence * Nuria has developed greater confidence and self-love to explore new situations independently. * She consciously builds "exit plans" or "revertible options" to feel safe in trying new things, like moving alone.
7.2. Facing Triggers with Agency * With a strong support network, Nuria now feels she can "walk towards that trigger" rather than avoiding it. * This shift from avoidance to empowered engagement is a key aspect of her inner strength and agency.
7.3. The Virtuous Cycle of Coaching and Self-Reflection * As a coach and facilitator, Nuria applies her insights by fostering safe environments for open communication and conflict resolution. * She prioritizes not judging or leading others, understanding that her role is to help them understand things better and offer tools. * Coaching others reinforces her own healing; by encouraging them, she recognizes her own growth and applies the same compassion to herself.
7.4. Advice for the Past Self: Self-Compassion * If Nuria could advise her past self, she would offer immense compassion, telling herself, "You're a beautiful person. You have a beautiful heart". * She would advise against constant comparison with others and suggest embracing her unique experience. * Ultimately, she believes her journey had to unfold as it did, acknowledging her "stubbornness".