🚨 Dating me 101: Red and green flags
🌱 Who I Am
I'm someone who's deeply curious, emotionally intense, and always learning.
I live at the intersection of complex trauma, ADHD, autism, and healing.
I love meaningful conversations, spiritual philosophy, deep self-reflection, and people who are real.
I'm not easy to date — but I am worth it.
🚨 Red Flags to Watch in Me
These are not bad things, but they’re patterns I’m aware of that can hurt others or create confusion if not handled with care.
Inconsistent Desires: I sometimes change my mind about what kind of relationship I want — not to mess with anyone, but because I'm still discovering it myself. One day I may crave deep intimacy and commitment, the next I may feel afraid and want distance or even freedom.
Disorganized Attachment: I can crave closeness and push it away at the same time. If I ghost or shut down, it's not because I don't care — it’s because my system feels overwhelmed or unsafe.
Emotional Flashbacks: Sometimes I react to the past, not to you. If I suddenly get cold, distant, overexplain, or spiral into shame — I may be reliving something old. Please don’t take it personally, but do name it gently.
Hypervigilance and Overanalysis: I may scan your every word and facial expression for signs of rejection or hidden meaning. It’s exhausting, even for me.
People-Pleasing with a Rebellion Twist: I may initially agree to things that feel safe or expected, and later back out or feel resentful because I wasn't true to myself.
Demand Avoidance & Executive Dysfunction: I sometimes struggle to show up, even when I want to. I may cancel, forget, or freeze — not because I don’t care, but because my nervous system sometimes shuts down under pressure.
Shame Spirals: If I feel I’ve disappointed you or exposed too much of myself, I may retreat and question everything, including whether I deserve love.
💚 Green Flags in Me
These are my strengths and gifts when I'm in a regulated, safe connection.
Depth & Emotional Insight: I’ll understand and validate feelings you didn’t even have words for. I love going deep and I see people, especially those who feel unseen.
Commitment to Growth: I take full ownership of my healing and my patterns. I’m not perfect, but I’m brave and honest, and I’m willing to face the hard stuff.
Empathy & Compassion: I’ll hold space for your pain, your fears, and your dreams — without judgment.
Playfulness and Sensuality: When I feel safe, I can be very playful, warm, and affectionate — emotionally and physically.
Radical Honesty: I value realness over politeness. I’m learning to say the hard things — kindly but clearly.
Creative Mind & Soulful Spirit: I love imagination, stories, metaphors, philosophy, the beauty of nature, and conversations that go beyond the surface.
📍How to Love Me Well
- Don’t Assume My Silence = Disinterest. Ask what’s happening inside — gently.
- Help Me Feel Safe by being consistent and clear. Surprise and ambiguity can send my nervous system into overdrive.
- Give Me Time to Process. I might need space before I can talk about difficult emotions.
- Ask Before Assuming I’m Okay. Sometimes I fake okayness because I don’t want to be a burden.
- Be Curious, Not Critical. If something I do doesn’t make sense, ask — I often don’t fully understand it either.
- Respect My Energy Rhythms. I may be vibrant one day and drained the next. Don’t take it personally.
- Speak Directly, But Kindly. I don’t do well with passive aggression, guilt trips, or subtle emotional games.
🔧 How I’m Working on My Red Flags
(aka: I’m not just aware — I’m doing the work)
1. I’m in Active Recovery
I’m working through things like disorganized attachment, love addiction, and complex trauma.
I do this through therapy, inner child work (IFS, Compassionate inquiry), recovery communities (like SLAA and ACA), and my own spiritual practices.
I don’t expect perfection from myself, but I don’t leave my messes lying around either.
2. I Name My Patterns as They Happen
Even if I can’t stop a shame spiral or a flight response in the moment, I’m learning to say, “This is one of those moments I feel like running — not because of you, but because I’m scared.”
Naming it takes the poison out. It also helps me stay present and accountable.
3. I’m Learning to Pause Instead of React
Before sending a confusing text, changing the relationship rules, or disappearing, I try to ask myself: What’s the unmet need underneath this impulse?
Even just 10 seconds of reflection can stop me from repeating a trauma pattern.
4. I Repair When I Mess Up
If I’ve confused, hurt, or scared you — and you tell me with kindness — I will apologize, reflect, and try to do better next time.
I don’t ghost without guilt, and I don’t expect you to read my mind.
5. I Set Boundaries With Myself, Too
I know when I’m not in a state to date or be close to someone.
I’m learning not to override my nervous system just to avoid being alone.
Sometimes I need space — and I’m practicing how to take it without punishing or scaring you.
6. I’m Building a Life I Love Outside of Romance
This is a big one. I know I can idealize partners or chase intensity to avoid emotional emptiness.
So I’m filling my life with meaning, creativity, community, and practices that nourish me — whether I’m dating or not.