Trauma and Neurodivergent Coach

📹 Shift - Letting go of the Past (finally!)

🌌 Why I Was Obsessed with Keeping Content to Trigger Memory

  1. Survival Through Memory I used to feel that if something wasn’t recorded, it hadn’t really happened. This was especially true because of my memory gaps and dissociation, likely tied to trauma. Recording everything became a way to anchor my identity and prove to myself that my life had meaning, love, and moments of joy.

  2. Self-Worth and External Validation Keeping evidence (photos, journals, videos) was also a way to combat the internal belief that my life was meaningless or wasted. I hoped others would see value in my life—or that I could finally see it myself—through what I had produced or preserved.

  3. Fear of Losing the Good I was afraid that when I was in dark or numb states, I’d forget the times I was happy, loved, or accomplished. Archiving was a way to protect access to joy and prove I wasn’t always suffering.

  4. Compulsion from Lack of Integration Without an internal sense of continuity, I relied on external data to stitch my story together. This obsession came from a place of fragmentation and fear of being erased or forgotten—even by myself.

🌱 Why the Obsession Has Shifted Now

  1. Present-Moment Grounding I now feel more anchored in the present and more connected to who I am today. This stability means I don’t need to compulsively revisit or reconstruct my past to feel real.

  2. Self-Trust and Internal Continuity I’ve begun to trust that the important parts of my past are still within me. I can access them through intuition, inner dialogue (like IFS), and a felt sense of wholeness—not just through files or photos.

  3. Liberation from External Proof I no longer need to “prove” my life had value through achievements, archives, or others’ recognition. My existence feels enough in itself.

  4. Emotional Fulfillment in the Present I’ve found meaningful connection and self-love in my life now. The obsessive need to document has faded because the core longing—for love, for being witnessed—is already being met.

  5. Shift in Purpose for Creating I used to create hoping to be admired, understood, or to redeem my suffering. Now, I feel ready to create from a place of curiosity and joy—not desperation or pressure.