🤚The Wheel of Consent Work

22 Jun, 2025

Betty Martin introduces the Wheel of Consent quadrant exercises in a very intentional order because each builds safety, bodily awareness, and capacity to discern between what you want and what you’re agreeing to out of habit.

The progression typically begins with Receiving through Accepting before moving into more activating practices like Taking.

Here’s how we can go through the quadrants step by step, in the order Betty recommends for learning:

🟢 STEP 1: Accepting (I allow someone to do something for me, and I receive it)

✅ Why start here?

• It’s the most familiar and least threatening quadrant.
• Trains you to feel what it’s like to receive with awareness.
• Helps uncover how hard it is to feel pleasure or say yes genuinely.

🔍 Practice Instructions:

1. Partner asks: “May I [do X] to you?” (e.g. “May I stroke your arm for my own pleasure?”)
2. You feel into your body: “Do I actually want that?” and answer honestly.
3. If yes, you say yes clearly and then receive the act with awareness that it is for you.
4. You focus on your capacity to feel: sensations, resistance, enjoyment, etc.

🧠 Things to Notice:

• Do you start monitoring or trying to please the giver?
• Is it hard to trust that they’re really giving for your benefit?
• Can you feel where your body says yes or no?

🟡 STEP 2: Allowing (I let someone do something for them, while I stay aware of my limits)

✅ Why this second?

• Builds assertiveness around limits, even in passive roles.
• Teaches how to set boundaries without guilt.

🔍 Practice Instructions:

1. Partner asks: “May I [do X] for myself?”

   • Example: “May I touch your hand because I enjoy it?”

2. You scan your body: Am I willing to allow this, even if it’s for them?

3. If yes, allow it—but stay aware that the action is for them, not you.

4. If no, say no clearly.

🧠 Things to Notice:

• Do you feel obligated to say yes?
• Can you feel the difference between serving vs being used?
• Is it harder to say no when it’s “just” for them?

🔴 STEP 3: Taking (I do something for me, with their consent)

✅ Why third?

• This is the most edgy and vulnerable quadrant, especially for people taught to suppress desire.
• Practices asking for what you want and receiving consent before acting.

🔍 Practice Instructions:

1. You ask: “May I [do X] to you for my pleasure?”

   • e.g., “May I stroke your arm for my enjoyment?”

2. They check in with themselves and say yes or no.

3. If yes, you take the action consciously and with gratitude.

4. Your focus is on fully feeling your own pleasure—without shame or obligation to give back.

🧠 Things to Notice:

• Do you feel guilt for wanting something?
• Do you minimize your pleasure or rush through it?
• How does it feel to take with integrity?

🔵 STEP 4: Serving (I do something for you, with full willingness)

✅ Why last?

• It’s often where people default without choice, so learning to consciously choose it makes it healing rather than self-sacrificing.
• Develops clean generosity.

🔍 Practice Instructions:

1. They ask: “Would you [do X] to me for my benefit?”

   • e.g., “Would you stroke my back because I like it?”

2. You check in: Do I genuinely want to give this right now?

3. If yes, you do it with generosity, not obligation.

4. Focus on the joy of giving when it’s freely chosen.

🧠 Things to Notice:

• Do you find yourself slipping into “performer” mode?
• Do you say yes when you mean no?
• Can you feel the line between willing service and resentment?

🧭 Suggested Structure (like Betty’s “Touch Lab” or 3-Minute Game):

You can do this with a partner (intimate or platonic) by:

• Setting a timer for 3 minutes per quadrant
• Alternating roles
• Debriefing after each quadrant: How did it feel? What surprised you?

🧠 Core Reflections After Each Round:

1. What was easiest or most familiar?
2. Which quadrant brought discomfort or confusion?
3. What did I learn about my yes/no/maybe?
4. How did I feel physically, emotionally, relationally?