š Rules of Engagement
A powerful exercise in self-advocacy and boundary-settingāespecially as someone navigating ADHD, PDA, and C-PTSDā is to brainstorm a potential list of Rules of Engagement others should follow when relating to you, along with explanations to help them understand your context.
An illustrative example of Rules of Engagement: my own!
I hope the following list helps you to come up with your own.
š¬ 1. Donāt Expect Immediate Replies
Why: I have ADHD and Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), which means even small tasks like replying to messages can feel overwhelming or triggeringāespecially if I feel pressure. I often need to wait until I want to reply, not when I should.
š 2. Be Patient With Repetition or Forgetfulness
Why: My working memory is very limited. I may ask the same question more than once or forget things you told me. This isnāt a sign of not caringāitās just how my brain works.
šļø 3. Donāt Push Me to āHurry Upā or āJust Do Itā
Why: PDA means that the more I feel pushed, even by myself, the more my body and mind shut down. I work best when I feel safe, invited, and free to choose.
š§ 4. Ask Open Questions Instead of Giving Instructions
Why: Questions like āWhat would feel doable right now?ā or āWould it help if I...?ā are much better than telling me what to do. Direct instructions often trigger my avoidance and freeze responses.
š§ 5. Let Me Lead Conversations About My Needs
Why: Iāve had experiences of being overrun, parentified, or not truly heard. When I initiate or express a need, itās often taken a long time for me to find the words. Please honor that and donāt rush to offer fixes or advice unless I ask.
āøļø 6. Respect My Need to Withdraw Without Drama
Why: I sometimes disappear to regulate, rest, or reset. Itās not rejection. It's survival. Iāll come back when I feel grounded again.
š” 7. If I Say āI Donāt Know,ā That Might Be the Truth Right Now
Why: Trauma and neurodivergence can disconnect me from my sense of self. I might literally not know how I feel or what I want. Please donāt push me to give answers before Iām ready.
š§± 8. Donāt Take It Personally If I Seem Distant or Flat
Why: Sometimes Iām masking, dissociating, or protecting myself. It doesnāt mean I donāt care. It means my nervous system is in self-preservation mode.
š§© 9. Avoid Vague or Implied Expectations
Why: I often miss subtext due to autism, and unclear expectations create anxiety. Please be explicit, and if itās not urgent, say so. (E.g. āNo rush, just when/if you have the capacity.ā)
š”ļø 10. Donāt Assume Silence = Consent or Agreement
Why: I freeze when overwhelmed. If Iām silent or nodding, that doesnāt always mean I agree. Please check in gently or give me a way to follow up later.
š«¶ 11. I Need Emotional Safety to Stay in Connection
Why: Harsh tone, sarcasm, or criticismāeven if meant playfullyācan feel threatening due to trauma. I need softness, curiosity, and consent-based communication to feel safe.
š§ 12. Donāt Expect Me to Be Consistent
Why: My energy, cognition, and emotional regulation vary a lot depending on factors like overstimulation, executive dysfunction, shame spirals, or illness. Please hold me with flexibility, not standards of productivity or performance.
Which ones feel right for you too? Which ones would you modify to fit your needs? Which ones would you add?