Trauma and Neurodivergent Coach

😞 When leaving Unhealthy Relationships is just NOT possible

The other day, during a session with a client, we were talking about anger in trauma healing.

I then shared something I genuinely believe can be powerful for many people: the idea that sometimes, the best way to protect ourselves from ongoing harm is to set clear boundaries—even if that means walking away from people who continue to hurt us.

But what happened next really stayed with me.

She paused, looked at me, and said: “That’s not possible in my case.” She explained she has children with her husband, and although the relationship has been painful, she still has to interact with him regularly.

She also lives with her mother, who is still very dysfunctional, because she doesn’t yet have the financial means to move out.

And she was right. In her case, walking away just isn’t feasible right now.

I’m really grateful she spoke up. It helped me see something that’s easy to forget, even as someone who works in this field: we all speak from the limits of our own perspective, including mental health professionals. Sometimes we offer advice that makes sense in theory, or in a certain context, but it doesn’t always match the lived reality of the person in front of us.

This post is dedicated to everyone who’s in that kind of situation—where you can’t go no contact, can’t move out yet, or can’t fully cut ties with someone who’s hurt you. I want to explore what it means to protect yourself when walking away isn’t an option—and how healing is still possible, even in those complex, constrained environments.

So what can you do when you can’t walk away?

Here are a few powerful, realistic strategies to help you protect your healing—even if you still have to interact regularly with people who are unsafe, unkind, or deeply triggering.

🪨 1. Use the "Grey Rock" Technique

When someone thrives on emotional reactions—like manipulation, drama, or control—the best defense can be neutrality. "Grey rocking" means becoming as emotionally uninteresting as a grey rock. You give short, boring, factual answers. You avoid reacting or explaining. You save your energy for safer spaces.

This isn’t emotional repression—it’s a protective performance. You don’t owe every person access to your inner world.

🧱 2. Build Micro-Boundaries

If big boundaries (like cutting contact) aren’t possible, small ones still matter. You might:

Tiny boundaries are still boundaries. They send a message to your nervous system: I’m allowed to take space.

🧘 3. Create Internal Safety Rituals

When your environment isn’t emotionally safe, you can still create pockets of internal safety. This might mean:

Somatic or symbolic practices (like shaking out your body, burning a stick of incense, or changing clothes) can help you reset after contact with toxic dynamics.

🔄 4. Practice Protective Communication

Sometimes you have to engage—especially with co-parents or family members. Focus on short, direct, non-emotional communication. For example:

Clarity is protection. You can be firm without being aggressive, and kind without being open.

🧠 5. Reclaim Agency in Tiny Doses

When life feels out of your control, healing starts with small acts of choice:

Agency isn’t all-or-nothing. It grows in micro-moments, and those moments matter more than we realize.

🧭 6. Plan for the Long-Term, Even Slowly

Just because you can’t leave now doesn’t mean you never will. One of the best ways to stay grounded is to keep imagining—even loosely—what a safer future could look like.

You might ask yourself:

You don’t have to act yet. But naming the possibility keeps the flame alive.

💌 A Letter to You, If You’re Stuck in a Relationship You Can’t Leave

Dear you,

If you’re living with someone who hurts you, disrespects you, or drains your energy—but you can’t walk away yet—I want you to hear this clearly:

You are not weak. You are surviving.

There is so much strength in staying sane in an insane environment. In protecting your children. In doing what you can with what you have. In choosing peace where peace is possible.

Maybe you can’t cut ties yet. Maybe the boundary has to be invisible for now. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you're human. You're strategic. You're still here.

Please don’t let anyone shame you for doing what you need to do to get through the day.

Healing doesn’t require perfection—it only asks that you keep choosing yourself, even in the smallest ways.

I hope you know: your truth matters, your voice is welcome, and your story is not over.

With deep respect, Nuria