👽 Why I Believe I’m Autistic

30 May, 2025

A self-reflective exploration of my traits and patterns

Over the years, and especially recently, I’ve started recognizing a number of patterns in myself that strongly align with autism—especially autism Level 1, often associated with women and AFAB individuals who were missed in childhood.

Below is a detailed breakdown of the traits I see in myself and the examples that sustain the idea that I am autistic.

🧠 Cognitive Style & Processing

1. Deep Thinking & Special Interests

I have always been deeply drawn to subjects like psychology, philosophy, literature, and spirituality.

These aren’t casual hobbies—they’re intense and long-lasting interests that shape how I see the world.

I also channel them into projects like facilitating trauma healing groups, coaching, and content creation.

I naturally build systems, connections, and meaning around these topics—something many autistic people do.

2. Monotropic Focus

I tend to hyperfocus on one thing at a time.

For example, I became so consumed by healing and recovery that it began to take over everything.

I struggle to balance that kind of focus with rest, play, or shifting attention to other areas of my life.

I often find it difficult to transition between tasks or hold several areas of attention at once.

3. Low Working Memory and Tangents

I often lose track of what I’m saying mid-sentence or go off on tangents when I try to answer questions.

To compensate for this, I write detailed scripts for my social interactions or coaching sessions, especially when I know I’ll need to stay focused and clear.

That’s how I work with my brain instead of against it.

4. Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) Profile

I strongly relate to the PDA profile of autism.

Even when I want to do something, I can feel intense internal resistance the moment it becomes a “demand.”

My body often feels like it rebels, and I can fall into a state of collapse, helplessness, or shutdown, especially when I feel externally pressured or like I “should” do something.

There’s often a deep emotional charge behind this, tied to shame and fear of failure.

🧍‍♀️ Sensory & Physical Traits

5. Chronic Fatigue & Autonomic Nervous System Issues

I live with chronic fatigue and POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome).

These are often found in autistic individuals, especially women.

My energy is very limited, and I have to carefully plan around what I can manage on any given day.

Even basic tasks can sometimes feel impossible—not because I’m unwilling, but because my nervous system feels overwhelmed or depleted.

6. Atypical Sensory Responses

I find traditional grounding or mindfulness techniques very distressing.

For example, sitting still and "going inward" with meditation can trigger panic and fear—as if I might die just from being in my own mind.

I’ve realized that many people on the autism spectrum, especially those with trauma, report similar experiences due to how we process internal and sensory input.

❤️ Emotional Experience & Regulation

7. Emotional Intensity

I experience emotions with a great deal of intensity.

It can be hard to regulate them or even identify what I’m feeling in the moment.

There are times when I get so overwhelmed by feelings—especially shame—that I completely shut down.

This can make it really hard to show up, even when I want to connect or contribute.

8. Extreme Reactions to Social Exposure

I often feel panicked or trapped in social situations, especially when I feel watched or expected to perform.

Group settings can feel unsafe and overstimulating, and I can easily fall into a freeze response.

Even if no one says anything negative, I might spiral into self-criticism, assuming others see me as too much or not enough.

9. Difficulty with Emotional Regulation

At times, my emotional system feels completely dysregulated.

I can go from trying to push through a task to feeling helpless and defeated in minutes.

I've started recognizing this as part of how my nervous system functions—it’s not laziness, it’s overload.

👥 Social and Interpersonal Dynamics

10. Hypervigilance to Others’ Reactions

I’m extremely sensitive to how others respond to me.

In groups, I monitor people's expressions and tones constantly, trying to figure out if I’ve said something wrong.

This kind of social hypervigilance isn’t a conscious choice—it feels like survival.

I think it stems from years of feeling misunderstood or judged.

11. Need for Deep, Structured Interactions

I thrive in conversations where there’s a clear purpose or structure—like interviews, coaching sessions, or in-depth discussions.

Small talk drains me. I don’t always know how to jump into casual conversations, but if we’re talking about meaning, emotions, or big ideas, I light up.

12. Social Parts Conflict

Inside, I often feel torn between different “parts” of myself.

One part wants to be out in the world helping others.

Another just wants to stay home with books. A third part is terrified of failing and wants to hide completely.

This kind of internal conflict feels like it’s rooted in a life of masking and not being understood.

🛠️ Executive Function & Daily Life

13. Struggles with Basic Daily Tasks

Now that I live independently, I’ve noticed how difficult it is to manage daily life—shopping, cooking, organizing my home.

It often feels like I just don’t have the executive function capacity unless I’m already activated emotionally (like after a session with a client or therapist).

I’ve been experimenting with setting aside one low-demand day per week just to catch up on these things in a way that feels sustainable.

14. Resistance to Internal and External Pressure

Even when I set the task, I often resist it if it feels too rigid or imposed.

I’ve had to work on giving myself permission to adapt based on my real-time needs.

I need freedom and autonomy to function well—when something feels like a trap or an obligation, I freeze or collapse.

🌱 Masking, Identity & Burnout

15. Late Recognition of My Needs

I’ve only recently begun living on my own, after years of relying on a parent (who was emotionally enmeshing) or romantic partners to help me with daily functioning.

Now that I’m alone, I realize how much I was masking—doing my best to survive, while ignoring my actual capacity and needs.

16. Spiritual Bypassing as a Form of Masking

There was a time when I used spirituality as a way to bypass pain.

I chased peace like a monk and avoided hard feelings because I believed they would destroy me.

Now, I’m learning to welcome the messiness of my emotions and build a relationship with my inner child and parts of me that were neglected or shamed.

17. Burnout and Collapse Cycles

I cycle between periods of high functioning—where I can create, connect, and show up fully—and periods of complete exhaustion and retreat.

I now recognize these as part of autistic burnout, especially after long periods of masking or high social/emotional output.

🗣️ Communication Style

18. Step-by-Step Processing

I need time to process things deeply, and I prefer to work through one topic at a time.

If we jump too quickly between emotional topics or abstract concepts, I can lose my grounding.

I function best in step-by-step, focused conversations, where I can really land on something before moving on.

19. Literal, Philosophical, and Precise

I interpret things very literally but also deeply.

I often seek the meaning beneath the surface of words, ideas, and dynamics.

I care a lot about accuracy and context, and I like conversations that honor complexity rather than surface-level answers.

✅ Summary of My Traits That Align with Autism