🗣️ Why is your Feedback so important to me?

02 Jun, 2025

This version takes into account my autism, ADHD, PDA, giftedness, trauma history, and my deep desire to grow while staying grounded in reality.

🧭 How Feedback Helps Me Feel Safe, Grow, and Stay Grounded

One of the things that’s really important for me in working with others—especially in therapeutic, coaching, or professional contexts—is receiving regular, honest, and grounded feedback.

This isn’t about looking for praise or external validation, but rather a way for me to anchor myself in shared reality and not fall into old patterns of distortion, self-doubt, or overcompensation.

Because of my neurodivergence (autism, ADHD, PDA, and giftedness), as well as complex trauma and long periods of masking, I’ve developed a deep mistrust in my own perception.

I often second-guess myself, or even gaslight myself without realizing it—convincing myself that things are fine when they’re not, or, on the other hand, that I’m failing when I’m actually doing okay.

This creates a kind of internal confusion that can be paralyzing, especially when I’m trying to improve or show up skillfully—like in facilitation, coaching, or social contexts where there are often unspoken norms or “rules” I can’t always detect.

I don’t want to rely only on my own (sometimes distorted) inner lens, so I actively seek the reflections of people I trust to help me course-correct, refine, or reaffirm what I’m sensing.

But I don’t just want any feedback—I fear vague encouragement or “overly positive” feedback that skips over the nuances.

When people only say I’m doing great and offer no suggestions, it makes me feel either patronized or unsure if I can trust them.

I start to worry they’re sparing my feelings or not being fully honest, and that leaves me even more disoriented.

What I most appreciate is a balanced, nuanced kind of feedback—the kind that:

• Names what’s working well and what I’m already doing right
• Gently points out areas I might want to grow in, or consider approaching differently
• Frames feedback in terms of care, clarity, or effectiveness—not judgment or urgency
• Respects my autonomy, by offering suggestions without pressuring me to act on them
• Helps me calibrate rather than criticize
• Avoids black-and-white praise or criticism, which can trigger shame or mistrust

Even when I disagree with feedback, just hearing different perspectives helps me map my blind spots and get a clearer sense of how I’m landing with others.

I then have the chance to decide what aligns with my values and what I want to adjust or keep.

In practice, this might look like:

• “You were really warm and attuned in that session, and I could tell the group felt safe. One thing you might want to explore further is how to slow your pacing a bit when you’re offering multiple options—it can be a little overwhelming.”
• “You did a beautiful job staying present even while feeling uncertain. One thing I noticed is that you sometimes apologize for yourself mid-sentence, and it might be worth exploring if that comes from a part that feels unsafe being visible.”
• “I see how much thought and care you put into this. If you want to keep building confidence, it could be helpful to practice trusting silence a little more before jumping in to explain or help.”

Why This Matters So Much to Me

For me, feedback is not just a learning tool—it’s a form of relational safety. When someone reflects things back to me honestly and kindly, it helps build my trust in them and in myself.

It gives me a map I can orient myself by, instead of getting stuck in either self-criticism or confusion.

It’s also a way I manage my PDA—because if something feels uncertain or ambiguous, it can create overwhelm or avoidance.

Feedback provides clarity and co-regulation, which helps me stay engaged instead of pulling away or shutting down.

So I really value and welcome feedback that is:

• Clear
• Gentle
• Balanced
• Respectful
• Grounded in curiosity

It’s not about being “corrected” but about being seen clearly, supported realistically, and helped in becoming more of who I want to be.